Parents Aren’t the Problem, They’re the Answer

If you asked me over my 10 years working in a parish what my least favorite part of my job was, I would have a quick answer. The parents. There was the dad who emailed at 10 p.m. the night before the retreat, the mom who never turned in a permission slip, and the ghost parents who dropped off at the curb and were gone before I could say hello.

I found myself planning my ministry around how to deal with parents, rather than how to partner with them. It had turned the people who love these kids most into obstacles I had to manage.

What our bishops say

In June 2024 the U.S. bishops approved Listen, Teach, Send, a national framework for ministry with youth and young adults. Built around the Emmaus story in Luke 24, it invites pastoral leaders and families to do what Jesus did: listen, teach, and send. Families are named right next to ministers, and the document says plainly that faith formation happens first in the home. Youth group isn’t the main event. What happens at the kitchen table is, and we’re there to back it up.

Why the “us vs. them” thing creeps in

Some of it is fair. Parents can range from overbearing to completely uninvolved. They can be highly critical. Or they can respond to an email with a question that you just answered… in that email. And it stings when someone questions an event you spent hours planning. But most of the parents I’ve met are busy, tired, or even scared. Many aren’t sure they know enough about the faith to talk to their kids about it, and some carry hurt from their experience in the Church. Once I stopped assuming they were the problem, I read their emails differently.

Get to know the parents

If parents are our partners, we have to actually know them. That sounds obvious, but it’s easy to spend all our energy on the teens and treat parents as a logistics problem. Learn their names. Ask how work is going, or how the older kid’s first semester of college turned out. Stand around after Mass and talk to them.

Then help them get to know each other. A coffee-and-dessert night a couple of times a year, or even a group text for parents, helps them swap stories and realize they’re not alone. When parents form community with each other, your youth ministry stops being a drop-off service and starts feeling like a family.

Help parents know Jesus, too

This is the part I wish I’d taken seriously sooner. Teens notice whether their parents’ faith is real. A parent who prays, goes to confession, and has a living relationship with Jesus says more than any talk we give.

So care about parents’ faith, not just their logistics. Invite them to adoration, offer a short prayer night, share a good podcast or book, or point them to adult formation at the parish. Let them know Jesus desires a relationship with them too, and that they don’t have to have it all figured out. When a parent’s faith deepens, the whole house feels it.

Everyday ways to partner

• Ask before you tell – Have a short conversation (or send a survey) at the start of the year asking what parents hope for their kid’s faith and what worries them.
• Keep communication short and regular – A monthly email with what you’re discussing, one question to ask at home, and the next few dates.
• Send something home – After a night on the Eucharist, give parents two or three dinner-table questions.

Middle school

Middle schoolers still live inside their families, so this is the easiest age to bring parents in. Family nights work well: a game, a short prayer, a shared meal. Sending home something like the Faith at Home resource helps families start conversations at home.

High school

With high schoolers the job changes. They’re pulling toward independence, and parents often feel that pull as a loss. Try sessions where parents and teens attend together on something both need to hear, like discernment or life online. And let parents see their kids lead. Watching your daughter run a small group is very different from hearing about it secondhand.

Don’t skip the siblings

Younger siblings often feel left out when the older one has a ministry of their own. Plan an all-ages event now and then, like a picnic or service day. And learn the little brother’s name. Kids notice.

When it’s still hard

Some families won’t respond no matter what you do. Partnership doesn’t mean giving in on Church teaching or safe environment policies. It means starting from respect and not writing anyone off.

Back to Emmaus

Jesus didn’t lecture the two disciples from a distance. He walked next to them, asked questions, and let them tell him what was going on before he taught them anything.

So the next time a parent’s email makes you sigh, remember that the person who wrote it loves that kid and wants the best for them, just like you do (hopefully even more). That’s a good place to start.