Recently I was asked, a few times actually, how many children do you have? The first time I very instinctively answered “I have 3 children”. Never thought answering that question could be so piercing, yet, in a very strange way reveal an opportunity for growth and healing. The feeling after I answered that question was as if someone had knocked the air out of me. Did I really just forget about my baby in Heaven? Why didn’t I mention that I have a little one in Heaven?
What I’ve come to realize is that talking about it takes me back to a place of suffering and sorrow. In fact, a lot of things, even the smallest, most insignificant things, trigger me and take me right back to the pain and suffering. And that place is uncomfortable and so sometimes it just seems easier to not go there. It’s easier to not talk about it.
Lent is a time when we can prepare our hearts to be made new. A time where we can experience God’s love more deeply. In order to do that, I am letting myself feel the emptiness. I am letting myself feel the burden and the pain. Because it’s ok to not be ok. I know, I believe that the Lord wants to take my suffering and turn it into something beautiful. In this space of sadness, of anger, of doubt, of pain, of hurt there is also space for healing. There is space for God to continue revealing things about myself. There is space for mercy and grace. There is an opportunity to be ever closer to the one who makes all things new and shows us everlasting love.
My prayer this lent is focused on laying down that burden at the foot of the cross. Because after the cross and the tomb comes resurrection. I long for that. I know it’s coming. My journey to healing, to resurrection now includes a miscarriage. It doesn’t define who I am, but it is part of my journey. I am in hopeful anticipation of the light and transformation that the resurrection will bring.
As your journey through lent continues, spend some time reflecting, what burden(s) are you carrying? Where are you needing resurrection? Know that whatever it is, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are united through the love that God poured out for you and me by his death and resurrection.
During this season of conversion, let us renew our faith, draw from the “living water” of hope, and receive with open hearts the love of God, who makes us brothers and sisters in Christ. (Pope Francis, Lenten Message 2021, 11th November 2020)