Exactly a week before Thanksgiving my husband and I found out I would be having a miscarriage. That will be a day I will never forget. We were so excited and nervous waiting for our first doctor appointment. We were so excited to go and tell our family the great news after our appointment. Engraved in my memory was the doctor’s straight face as she was doing the ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. A few days later, 2 days before Thanksgiving to be exact, I had a miscarriage. God brought our little one of 9 weeks Home to Him.
Having a miscarriage is horrible and gruesome and no woman should ever feel they are alone going through it. The excruciating physical (and emotional) pain is real. The emotions are real. There was anger. There was sadness. There was heartbreak. There was confusion. There was guilt. And sometimes some of those feelings still come up. My only hope in telling my story is that whoever reads finds a glimpse of comfort in the fact that they are not alone.
I’ll tell you having gone through this right before Thanksgiving was rough. There was this contradictory feeling of not being able to be thankful, after all I had just lost my baby, but also being grateful for the 3 beautiful children we already have. I allowed myself to feel all the emotions and the pain. And in this pain, in this suffering, is where I found joy.
I found joy in community. I knew from the start we couldn’t do this alone. So we reached out to people. People that we knew would be with us in our pain and not be expecting the details of it all. We felt the love and support in so many ways. People sent us food. There were texts saying we were being prayed for. The calls just to see if we needed anything. There were conversations with people who had gone through this before. I found joy in knowing that we are surrounded by people that love us in our happy times but are also there in the pain.
I found joy in the very real, raw moments and conversations between my husband and I. We’re best friends and have been married for almost 15 years but this brought a new depth of vulnerability. It made us (i feel) closer. For me it just reminded me of why I married this amazing person. A person that will love, take care of me and fight for me when the pain is unbearable. I found joy in my husband.
I found joy in God. My prayers during this whole time would go from one extreme to the other. I yelled at God. I cried with God. I pleaded with God. I found peace with God. I found joy in knowing that our baby is now a Saint in Heaven and that while we didn’t get to meet each other, he will always be a part of our family. I bought an ornament to hang on our Christmas tree every year that will remind us that our little saint is being embraced by our God, our loving Father.
Loss and pain really forces you to reflect. I learned a lot about myself. I didn’t like this loss nor would I ever wish this on anyone, but I am grateful that I looked and found some joy in this painful time. And I will continue to look for joy because while this loss is now in the past, it won’t ever be forgotten. Pray for us that we may continue to find joy!